Unexpected

I don't know how it happened, and I don't I'll ever understand the circumstances or graces that helped it come about. As Friedrich Nietzche said, 'Amor Fati- "Love Your Fate", which is in fact your life.'   

I was told I didn't have much of one, but that was fine by me. I didn't have to travel the world and see the sights to feel a sense of accomplishment and worldliness. Books, role playing, and day dreaming opened portals to places the real world could never take me to, and I didn't have to spend thousands of dollars I would never have again to make it possible. Maybe it's because I grew up scrimping by and always lived paycheck to paycheck that made me appreciate what I had rather than seeking more. It's why the opinions of others bothered me to an extent, but I was able to brush it off at the end of the day. Besides, when we all meet the same end, it isn't going to matter where you went, the distance traveled, or the things you did along the way. The people whose lives you helped, the good deeds you accomplished, and the image you left in your wake will be what people speak of when they stand at the podium and give you a final send off. Personally, I've always wanted to be remembered as kind, helpful, but also a person that took no shit, knew what I wanted, and didn't stop until I had it.  

Moving out here, I expected to live quietly and just see how life went. I'd broken up with my boyfriend after he ghosted me for two months, cut down my friend's list to only the ones that who showed me that they wanted a friendship, and put myself into a strictly work oriented mindset so I could build my savings. I'd go into town, a good 30-minute drive, and stock up what I needed to last me a couple of weeks. Of course, it took me by a bookstore and I never withheld from grabbing a novel or two, especially on sale days. When they advertised that you could buy a bag of old books for $5, I filled up four. Older literature was always based on history, life, and the good and bad that came with it. For some reason, reading about someone else's life and their drama was a greater distraction from my own. I had a set routine that I stuck to, mainly because of the distance, but my own work hours and the fatigue that came with it made it so I barely left the house. Surely that meant that no one noticed me, even with the side glances I received from the locals. I am still an outsider and I'm okay with that. However, it seems that when I wasn't looking, life came calling. 

The bookstore was quiet that Saturday. People were taking the opportunity to spend some time out of town with the sun and the warm winds giving a reprieve from the rain. Since I didn't have anything planned out, I took my time among the shelves and stacks with a paper bag. There had been an estate sale from an elderly woman that passed away and what her family couldn't sell to the public, they bartered with the local businesses. There was a decent sized collection and I managed to find some novels of interest. Who knew that books published in the 1930's and 40's would hold the attention of someone born in the 80's? I've always been an old soul at heart. Perhaps that's the reason I've always loved having a simple life? The smell of the pages was like the perfect incense and I was becoming lost under its spell. I could hear a set of footsteps walking in the room, and I assumed it was just another patron coming to view the wares. When I came back to the beginning to take a second look, I saw one of the employees stocking a few empty spaces with more from the woman's home. Usually, I wouldn't hesitate to go up and have a look, but I'd put on a few pounds and I was feeling my confidence waver. Rather, I waited for him to leave and pretended to still be perusing the shelf I was standing in front of.  

 I became engrossed with a novel of a woman who lived as a servant in a household and was a near twin of the lady of the home's daughter. She traveled on the Lusitania and both the mother and woman drowned. She was mistaken for the daughter but rather than keep her title of servant, she didn't correct their assumptions, and went on to have a good life. His voice pulled me from the beginning pages and his kindness was disarming. 

"Your library is going to be full soon".  

His eyes caught my attention; a light, beautiful blue that shown like mirrors. The gentle visage put me at ease, but I was momentarily struck dumb. The perfectly cut raven hair gave him a darker, gothic appearance, and my weakness for this chiseled type was trying to overcome. I floundered under the waves of desire and hope, yet managed to pull myself together. Someone as good looking couldn't be single. Especially with his muscled build and how his figure looked in the black uniform. I gave him a once over before offering a kind smile, the same I'd give a customer that approached my desk needing to check out. 

"I'll just have to build more shelves". Hell, I'd build a shed in the backyard and use it for storage. If the book wasn't worth keeping, I'd sell it back to the store and find something else.  

"Your husband not good with his hands?"  

I knew what he was doing. The leading comments were never hard to miss, and just because I was cynical of others, didn't mean I paranoid. He was being sarcastic while trying to gain information. I was never one to lie, so why start now? 

 “I don’t have one”, I stated dismissively while putting the novel in the hand basket. They didn’t make books with plotlines that simple anymore, and I was already hooked for what came next. I didn’t miss the way his shoulders straightened and he seemed a little more cautious. Obviously, this struck the chord he was hoping for. 

 “Any reason?”  

His tone was genuinely curious. Maybe I had some horrible ailment that I was concealing, did I, perhaps, swing the other direction, or I was some uptight witch that wanted a man with millions in his bank to spend for whatever I wanted? His mind had to be turning with possibilities. I could drag this out, but I never did like games. They grew old fast and the rules were constantly changing. I put a stop to it all a long time ago.  

“They lack the constitution to be with me”. At this I met his gaze. Better to bring it out in the open and quash his hopes than lead him through falsehood. “Either I’m too demanding by wanting an actual life, they live too far away and can’t go the distance, or the drama that used to encompass my life was too much for them. Between my health issues and my now ex homelife, they get tired and I do away with them”. The last four relationships I ended for these reasons alone, and I never looked back after.  

His look surprised me. One eyebrow lifted, judging the weight of my words against that of my body language. He was piecing together what I’d told him and trying to decide if he wanted to stick it out or call it quits. Most would just laugh and tell me how they were different from everyone else. They would seek to reassure me with words that they were strong men and not little boys, but didn’t they turn out that way in the end? I expected him to shrug his shoulders and skulk away with apologies, while telling me to have a nice day. Rather, he seemed to lean a little against the shelf, as if he had time to listen, but also bringing his own curiosity under control. I gathered there weren’t many interesting girls around if he was talking to an outsider. Then again, he wasn’t like the prissy dressed townsfolk. The gothic in me recognized the darkness in him and I felt comfortable in a way that was nearly foreign to me. 

  “And you’ve given up”. It wasn’t a question. He truly thought me a woman that was in a depression spiral and spending money on new objects to make myself feel better. He was unamused by this. By me. 

“I’m not looking, I qualified with a shrug of my shoulders. “If it happens, I’ll be open to it, but I’m not chasing every person that crosses my path. If it doesn’t, I can do bad by myself, and enjoy the experience”. I wasn’t opening the door for him, and I could see by his renewed upright stance that he’d more than understood my meaning. I would meet him outside my space if he wanted a word or be given the time of day, but he wanted to cross the threshold, it would mean more than one night, a series of dates, or a one-night stand. I was looking to create a life with someone. It meant dates, time spent in each other's company, one track for moving in together, and even if marriage wasn’t on the table, then a commitment that lasted the length was expected. I was a simple girl at heart, who knew what I wanted and wouldn’t alter my course for anyone. Perhaps he was intimidated, as everyone else had been, but I could no longer tell.  

At that moment, a customer came around and captured his attention, and I was free to peruse the books at my leisure. I was both grateful to the patron for taking him before it continued, and mortified that my newfound peace had reached its end. If he meant to take such steps and enter my life, it was a game of chance all over again, and I had to ask myself, was I ready to go down that path again, knowing failure might be waiting like a long-lost friend? Then again, this was just friendly conversation between two strangers, and I had a bad habit of overthinking. Poirot, a character from the ABC Murder Series said, “The truth, however ugly in itself, is always curious and beautiful to seekers after it”. Maybe he was trying to figure out mine, or was I was trying to find something beautiful where there wasn’t anything? He also said, “It is a profound belief of mine that if you can induce a person to talk to you for long enough, on any subject whatever! Sooner or later, they will give themselves away”. Was he hoping to unravel my strength and find a girl begging for attention, or was it only that this town was as boring as watching paint dry, and he craved something in me that was reflected in him? For once, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, but this turn of events had left me in a flutter and I had to take a moment before continuing my original quest, lest I walk out with some awful written fantasy. 

Now at home, I’m still not sure what may come of it. If the time came that he called and wanted to take me on, would I have the stamina to see it through, or would I be the one to step back again? I’ve always hated going forward when I’m not sure of the outcome. There was too much to lose when you weren’t able to see the ending. Perhaps I am jaded from the life I’ve lived and I need to keep to my seclusion. I know that I have missed the comfort of a warm body and craved what it could give to me. Coming with that, however, was always the downside of after; having to speak, share my thoughts, give time I wanted to spend doing other things. When the bottom fell out, as it always did, I was left feeling like a bad person and the backlash was irritating. There’s also the possibility that being a realist has caught up to me and sucked the joy out of living, but I’d rather be safe than sorry in the end. I must live with myself when no one else does and I am done being a depressed burrito hiding from the world. Time will tell, but I do know this; my time here has softened the wolven heart and I feel comfortable with myself to walk through the storm. If something does come of it, I can be assured in my personal strength. It’s amazing what time to yourself can accomplish. Now I just need to make some tea and start in this new world at my fingertips. Hetty Brown, let’s see how your life turns out.  

FIN