Revelations

 

The crack of the fire in the hearth mingles with the gentle breeze, and the comforting heat works to drive away the chill of the afternoon. It was a day of mixed emotions, emotional hardships, and revelations that I still haven't been able to reconcile. It's these moments that makes me appreciate the friends that chose to stick around when given the option to flee. 

I have always been my own worst critic and when people lash out with unkind words, I never know if they are rooted in truth or wildly blown out of proportion. Thank growing up with a narcissist. The smallest act of kindness towards yourself is seen as a slight towards them and made into a situation as large as Mount Everest. I have never been able to understand why people choose to adopt this route when talking could defuse the explosion. I know I'm not the best person in the world, and I can be difficult to have around, but I try my best. 

I was writing with a friend, a role play of sorts, and was following her lead. I thought everything was fine, but she stopped responding. After a few days I asked if all was okay and she told me it was, that she just had company over and was gaming. I told her I understood, and just sent little messages, random thoughts, that she could respond to when she was able. After an hour she sent me a message that did multiple things at once. It made me seem like a sexual deviant who only wanted to write smut, though she brought up scenarios as much as I. That I was an attention seeker who was trying to keep her from her boyfriend and friends, though that was never the case. She used to message me even with him around and while gaming, so I didn't understand why now was a problem. She made our writing and my friendship seem like a burden and was said she was glad it was ended. Lastly, she made me out to be a snowflake that couldn't take criticism, simply because I could bring up instances to prove that I was not the only one to blame. Once work ended, I sent messages to a few friends asking their advice, and decided on a walk through the woods. 

The cold winds of Autumn cut through my long-sleeved shirt and leggings, but I kept going. My heart ached thinking of all that was said and asking myself how I could have messed up so badly? I'd followed the ideas they'd had and tried to keep with the theme. I was going down a shame spiral and tears fell into the dirt. Disgust welled up within me, and I considered never writing again. Sitting by the river, I let the emotions overtake and wept for the first time in months. Was I truly this deplorable? Was there something wrong with me? How could I have been so stupid as to take on something that wasn't plotted to begin with?

My phone blew up with messages. Each told me the same story in similar words and context, while citing examples. I was not to blame. She'd tried for constructive criticism but when words failed, she flew into a personal assault and attempted to gaslight me, making me seem as if I alone forced her to take this step. An hour flew by with them telling me not give up, and to take what she said with a grain of salt. Especially after she tried to blame me for her mental health failing. I lifted myself up from the bubble of grief and took the walk back home. 

I still struggle with putting this knowledge unto the forefront of my mind and knowing that what they say is right. I have been making strides to better myself, and nothing I could have done would bring about what she'd said of me. It's made me leery of writing with anyone I don't know personally, lest it happens again, but I will continue with my personal writing, creating new ideas, and making new worlds for people to explore. It's my calling.