Rainy Day Bliss

Rain. That most beautiful and cleansing of elements that Mother Nature provides. The world slows and crawls along to a beat that is sleepy, cathartic, and gentle. Even as thunder comes behind and echoes across the landscape, you can feel the wondrous creation that she bestows and stand in awe of her power. That lyrical voice is a melody that calls to all to listen and brings closure to another cycle. 

Once upon a time I loved and dreaded the downpours. Showers meant buckets stationed between gaping holes in the roof being emptied, an increase in mold, cold pushing deep into your soul, and a weariness that kept hold until you were able to sleep or merely passed out. Newspaper was scattered across the floor to catch what the pails missed, clothes were soaked with the off-color falls, and anger was quick to catch. There was nothing for it but to continue until the end, when you fell into your bed weary, weak, and feeling as if you've walked ten miles in a downpour that threatened to pull you under. As I now sit by my fireplace, wrapped in a cotton blanket, with a hot mug of tea in my hands, I'm forever thankful for this quiet little place and I brush the memories of the past as they try to take new life. I smile, knowing the slumlord must be having fun trying to contain the mess. Little does he know that we put in to have it condemned and soon the inspector will be at his door. It will be a fitting end to his tyranny that lasted too many years. 

Today I made a smart move and turned off my cell. Mother would be calling to have me come over and do work that just "couldn't" get to. Failing this she'd text and try through messenger. A last resort would be my father. Neither know where I live, and I can take time before facing the backlash. After a hellish work week and dealing with a prude that gives no regard for any coworker, I am taking a much-needed downtime. Her irritation has always resembled wrapping yourself up in a wet blanket and jumping into a pool. You drowned under the weight of it. My headaches have been more frequent, and doctors grew concerned over my rising blood pressure. I can't do much about her, but now that I don't have to put myself through the gauntlet of mother's jealousy and my father's callousness, a new world of bliss has opened before me, and I will eagerly chase it. 

Tonight, however, is something I will look forward to. Summer has officially taken hold and warm weather is the order of the day. By 7pm it will be 81 degrees and once nighttime has rolled over the landscape, I'll light my candles, fill the wooden bath with a mixture of water and rose petals, and sink down for a relaxing soak in the woods that surround me. There's nothing better than bathing under the moonlight and feeling the warm wind caress your skin. With a playlist of night music from Spotify or YouTube playing in the background, I can lose myself to nature and recharge the batteries that were burned out during the week. When I lived at the house, I used to do this, but you had to be careful. Neighbors were nosey, cars drove by, and you were never able to relax when you were worried about someone stopping by. It was never fun when my father messaged me that he was ready to take me to the store and I'd have to rush the process so he wouldn't question why I was outdoors in the nude.

My heart lightens as I ease back in my armchair and wait for my role play partners to respond. I have no obligations, no visitations, and no schedule to keep me from lounging the day away. I still fight the guilt that comes from growing up in a toxic household, but therapy is getting me back on track. In my parent's house, if things weren't already done by the time someone got home from work, you didn't do enough during the day. If you hadn't accomplished a goal, gotten an award, or learned a useful skill, then you were lazy. She told me to focus on process over perfection. I wouldn't be able to get everything done that needs to be within a week or a year. You have to see them as a process. I also needed to look at everything I did accomplish. She also told me that my parent's measure of self-worth was not a realistic way of looking at life. They had their own faults and pushed their expectations on others. Now that I was away from that environment, I could set healthy boundaries for myself, establish realistic goals, and learn how to breathe. It wasn't easy but each day I didn't mentally berate myself for sitting back and letting the world pass would be a win. I would take this time for myself and let my body recover.

Sighing, I close my eyes and wait for the notifications to roll in. Rain peppers the window and thunderheads echo. My cat joins me for the quiet time, and we both begin to drift into a sweet nothingness that is our reward.