Beautiful Day Dreams

Love. I never knew it could feel like this. How open, freeing, and addicting.

When someone hears of the word, they picture a couple walking, hand clasped, down a street, or cuddled together at the end of a long day. They envision Valentine's Day cards exchanged, a man getting down on one knee to propose to the woman he loves, an eventual marriage with kids to follow. All of the beautiful things we read in story books, through erotica, and can view through Pinterest, Instagram, and Tik Tok reels. This love, however, can never compare to the moments between two people and weighs nothing, whereas a relationship can be fleeting and snatched away with a wandering gaze.

For years I chased the idea of being in a relationship meant for two, only for those men to pass me over, gaslight, stalk, and end up ghosting me. I dealt with being trodden on and forced to make the difficult decision of whether to stay or go. My mental health was affected, and each came at a time when I had neither family nor friend to turn to. It left me feeling betrayed, abandoned, and hopelessly adrift in a world of loneliness. There were times I took it out on myself, or chose to jump all in at work and forget the healing I needed to work on. 

The last time held promise. We talked for over two years and made plans to meet. If everything went well, he was going to move to my town and start a life here. We practiced the same beliefs, worked together through the chaos that was my life, and he encouraged, spoiled, and uplifted me when my bad days came to pass. He got sick and dropped contact. I worried he'd been taken to a hospital and was dying. I searched daily through the obits but turned up nothing. He didn't answer on social media or text messages. During that time, friends ignored my messages, family was of no help because they wanted for themselves, and I shut down in the process. I hardened myself because I knew it was time. I cut off contact with those that treated me like a background friend, stood up to my self-seeking family members, and worked hard at my job to rise through the ranks. I was finally proud of myself for doing what I'd always needed to. 

It became strange after three months. All of the people that vanished started to trickle back. They messaged me, expecting to be as I was, and I left them on read. After a week or two of no responses, they asked what was wrong, and I unleashed. I told them I was worth more than what I was getting. I wasn't going to be like my mother and spell out everything I had done. I've had that happen and I was never one for an ego boost. Each of them got the terms applied; step up and back up what you're saying, or take the L, and walk away for good. Many of them understood and actually put in the effort. The ones that chose to guilt, harangue, and throw in my face what they'd done, I shut down. I was over it. I cut off whom I needed and walked with my head held high. 

He popped up online as well. I sent messages wanting an explanation, and it turned out, he was just fine. He'd lost his job due to illness and taken another that he didn't really care for, but that moment became clear. He said he didn't know what the best option was for us, and I asked him to call so we could talk. For two days he said he'd call, but never did. I suspected that he had someone else, but rather than react, I told him that it was better he just think about himself and we part ways. I deserved more than doubt and I wasn't going to forever wait for him to be certain.

After closing out another "friendship", I took some time off of social media to focus on my healing path. Each tarot pull told me what had been coming, how to read the signs, and that I needed to do what was best for me. Taking that advice, I didn't look back at what I'd done and judge. I thought of my own wants and needs. I got back into writing, created new worlds and characters. I deleted multiplayer games that were just a constant reminder of what I didn't have, let go of games I'd spent a year in playing online with people from around the world, and jumped back into being who I knew I was. 

Most people called it 'boring', because I chose not to party, be around noise for the sake of keeping people in my corner, and kept to myself the daily goings on of parent drama. I took a break from social media, not sharing videos, posts, or photos about my personal journeys, but I didn't mind. 

I went back into the world of role play and opened up to new ideas. My dreams took on new life, giving me ideas to throw around and turn into creations. Good, bad, strange, fantasy, real life, it was all the same. I found eager partners that wanted to build from the ground up and never minded giving as much as stepping back and letting the plot develop. When I wasn't posting, I would lay in my bed, under the blue lights, and go through in my mind certain scenes or ones I wanted to play out. I could lose myself in Lofi beats on Spotify or YouTube, then write these worlds on virtual paper. I put together my binders of character information, story ideas, research I'd done on the various topics, and set up a Papyrus account so I could use a system akin to Microsoft Word and just let myself go. Day dreams became a means of releasing my stress and I found new parts of myself that I came to enjoy. 

I could sit for hours outside with just myself and find pleasure in the peace. I wasn't working to please anyone, taking up errands just to hang out, feeling like I was unimportant or a kid on the short bus because people made excuses why they couldn't hang out, but actually had nothing going on. I didn't have to take their trouble in with my own, and in doing so, I grew up. I was finally comfortable and strong enough to put myself first and speak my mind. I wasn't giving in to avoid an argument. Rather, I stood up, yelled for the world to hear, and marched to the beat of my own drum. It was priceless. Without having to take someone into consideration, consult with their feelings, or worry over consequences, I came to enjoy the waking hours and knew that without people, I would still be okay. 

Those who knew me from before, the ones that didn't stick around, told me I was intimidating, and it gave me a laugh. If 'intimidating' meant that I wasn't being shy, I could hold my own in a group, I voiced my thoughts without concern, and gave people the finger when they tried to challenge my personal authority, then absolutely! I chased what I wanted and worked to do right for no one but me. They asked if I wouldn't miss company or companionship, and I told them the truth. 

"If I have to sit and worry over doing something to please someone, then everyone can go away, and I will find the tribe that best suits me". 

And I did.

Exes have tried to return, both friend and relationship, and I have closed the door to all. I wake up with a sense of purpose I won't hand over, and I stay in this world of day dreams, writing, creativity, gaming, journaling, and freedom. People can say I lost more than I gained, but from my perspective, I became who I needed to ensure I was protected and it will stand the test of time. 

Now as I walk in this green space, I know I'll be okay. I may be secluded, miles from anyone, no company save a cat and a computer that connects me to the world, but I am far from lonely. Life is beautiful, and I will continue to float in those dreams until my time has faded.

FIN